he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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