i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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