so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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