tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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