I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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