I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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