Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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