SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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