Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
