Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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