Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
