Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
