I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
