rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize