im six kinds of drunk right now
please come you make the beer taste better
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
