i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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