I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus