I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
