I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
