Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Say something about gay babies.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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