Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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