highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
