I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
