i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
