So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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