Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
