Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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