I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So much rum. So many feels.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
