dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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