I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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