You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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