so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
