two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
