I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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