She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
