It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
