I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
