we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
