im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
