In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4