it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night