the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...