Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.