don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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