I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
