Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
