I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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