glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
