I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh god it's open bar.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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