everyone is single if you try hard enough
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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