Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
