mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
