I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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