Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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