i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
