i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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