Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
