mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I die, sorry about rent.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
